Oh dear!

On Saturday night I fell out with Sonia. She's been feeling down for a while and invited her along with me and Lynsey to cheer her up. This was the first time I'd been out with Lynsey without the men for over a year and it was lovely to talk frankly about things. Halfway through the night, Sonia stormed off home saying I was well out of order! which was somewhat surprising because it seemed we were all having a good chat and a laugh. I appreciated that she'd been feeling low and decided to try not to let it ruin the rest of the night and decided to call her in the morning and straighten things out. About an hour later, I'de just started to relax again and enjoy the night and I got a text mesage from Sonia which I took to be an apology - but it wasn't - it was saying that I'd pissed her off and was out of order but to say sorry to Lynsey and I was FUMING!
1) I'd done NOTHING wrong
2) She nearly ruined the night when she stormed off
3) She nearly ruined the night a SECOND time when she sent the text
4) She apologised to Lynsey, but not to ME!!!!!!

I'm still not sure why I got so angry but I was spitting! And it lasted until today. Because I was so angry, I didn't phone her Sunday because I knew I'd say something I'd regret. On Monday I got this email

How was WeightWatchers? have found some snackajacks toffee popcorn for 2pts
perbag- but toffeee is v v sticky and not sure if they sell it at Tesco
or not.

Hope we're cool after weekend- was surprised you didn't text to say
ok after I'd said lets not bother discussing it. If we're not ok best contact me
when you're not feeling huffy about itall as I said dont have energy to
discuss it/fall out with you:)

Unfortunatley we will have to discuss before Ls hen weekend as I really cant go if its going to be like that...but let's talk about it later.x

And this email annoyed me even more because she obviously thought there'd been nothing wrong with her behaviour.

I replied to the email saying I WAS "huffy" and explained why and a few emails went back & forth but she did apologise. The thing was that I felt I couldn't forgive her and didn't know why, although I suspected that it was a culmination of things.

I posted a message on a website I go on (Hello to everyone reading this who knows me from there!) and I got some very helpful replies and food for thought. I think I'll try and back off from the friendship ever so slightly so she relies on me a bit less.

Today I'm feeling less annoyed so have sent her a chatty email - I'll let you know how it goes.

Sarah
xx

PS I'm giving up on the house we're buying - the woman is a nutter and is refusing to go into the solicitors to sign the transfer deed so that we can exchange.
PPS Race for Life on Sunday! Woo hoo!

Forgot one thing ....

Now that I'm focusing on infertility again, I meant to also put this link on because it says it all about infertility. http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html
I haven't looked at it for ages, but I have just done so and it made me cry again - because it's so accurate.

More up's & downs - sadly more downs than ups...

For the last 2 weeks I have been phoning the world and his wife trying to get us exchanged on our new house, but nothing seems to be happening. I’ve just had a rant at the solicitors and have got myself into a real state. Must …calm…..down…breathe …….breathe……. Cross your fingers, toes and everything else that you’ve got that it all goes to plan & we exchange tomorrow.

Getting stressed won’t help our fertility levels (which are at about minus 1000 already..) Yes - this month, I’m making a big effort. I found some old OPK’s in the bathroom cupboard and blew the dust off before using them. I know my cycle so well that it was positive - as expected - so tonight in between the football matches (at least England aren’t playing today!) we shall be bding! (By the way it’s Pat not me who’s the football fan) For some reason, I’ve got a "feeling" that we might be successful - but I’ve had that feeling about 500 times in the last 5 years - all Wrong!

You will be glad to know that I’ve made an appointment with the doctor - on 4th July, so I’ll let you know what she thinks about getting some free treatment out of the NHS.

Weightwatchers isn’t going too well. I’ve lost 4 pounds but last week didn’t lose any because I was cheating a bit. I’m hoping this week will be better - but it’s SO HARD!

Today I went into Winchester and got an outfit for Lynsey’s wedding, I decided against getting a dress and ended up getting a skirt & top from Monsoon. Here is a picture of the skirt

It’s smart but I’ll be able to wear it to more casual do’s as well which is better than a dress that I’ll only wear once. I still have to get a bag & shoes, but can do that some other time.

Did I tell you that my mum is doing Race for Life with me? I’m very excited about it It’s a shame I’ll have to walk instead of run, but at least I’ll have some company, now. I’m not sure what Sonia is doing. She might run or walk or the latest which is not to do it at all (which is typical of her - she’s such a quitter!)

Right - I’m off to phone the solicitors AGAIN - as I haven’t heard from them.

Sarah
xx

Up & down

Overall, things are going well, but the house buying is really stressing me. I have spent the whole week ringing the bank, the estate agent and the solicitors making a nuisance of myself and bugging them to death because I feel it's the only way to get things moving. And it looks like it's working and we’re likely to exchange Monday or Tuesday next week- so cross your fingers for me ....

Yesterday we went to our old town in Hertfordshire to collect Pat's old work car which we have bought because having only one car was getting to be a real nuisance. It was the first time that I've been back and it was a very strange feeling. As you know, I wasn't particularly happy there, but on the other hand it was my home for 8 years. What was weird was that it was all exactly the same and we went past our old house and the only difference there was that there were 2 strange cars on the driveway.... But I am definitely happier living where we are now - and if we could just sort out the bl**dy house purchase, it would be excellent!!!

I keep thinking that I should have more goes at IVF. Another girl on my old forum has got a BFP after 7yrs ttc and it seems that if I give it enough chances, it will finally work. I haven't been to the doctors yet - I keep putting it off. I got as far as ringing and it was engaged and I haven’t tried again. I'm one of those people who can only focus on one thing at a time and at the moment the house purchase it taking over all my waking thoughts. OK - I know - it's just an excuse!!

Saying that, I'm determined to make sure we bd on the right days this month. These last few cycles, I've been so distracted that I have had NO idea what cd I was on (it's lovely, though, not thinking about it at all) But this month, I am making more of an effort and might even go mad and use some of the ovulation tests that are gathering dust in the bathroom. ;o)

OK - here's something - I PROMISE to phone the doctors tomorrow and make an appointment for one day next week. There - I've said it now, and so I can't go back on it!

Sarah
xx

Reptile Romance

Last summer I spotted Edith shagging Beryl but Pat thought Edith was just "confused" as she had no normal masculine tortoise traits.

This year, I caught them "at it" again and this time there was defintiely something "going on". Edith's tail was underneath "making contact" and her face said it all. Here's a picture of them in the throes of passion!! :o)

So our conclusion is that Edith is a male with a lot of feminine traits ;o) So now that I'm sure Edith is a boy, she/he is now renamed Ed.

They really do love each other, though. For example, at the moment, they're merrily sat together sharing some cucmber. All together now .... aaaahhh!! :o))

Sarahxx

Sorry - I just need to have a bit of a rant..

I have been brewing about the buying of the house we want because it's taking so long. We made the offer in January and here we are in June and we've still heard nothing.

Today I have phoned the solicitor to say that we must exchange by 19th June or we're backing out. I have stalled against doing this because I didn't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but in the end - enough is enough. The seller is just taking the pi55!!!!

I have also just spoken to the estate agent and it seems my hunch to back out is correct because she has now started buying a different property.

I'm hoping that this will mean that she'll exchange because she doesn't want to lose us, but I fear she'll let us go because quite simply she doesn't want to move.

The story is that it's a divorce case. The husband has already left but she's still in the marital home where she's lived for 20 years. I can't speculate about whether she wants him back, etc, but what I do know is that there's a lot more going on than just a simple moving home scenario and there's obviously a lot of emotions that she's working through.

I feel sorry for the woman, I do, but I need to look out for us and at the moment and every month, our rent is £150 more than our new mortgage - so the longer we're here, the more it's costing us. What a nightmare!

Well, this has told me one thing - we've brought our bad luck with us. I'd hoped that we had left it behind, but no - horrible things are still happening to us - it's NOT FAIR !!

Right, I'm off to browse the internet for houses for sale - just in case ...

Sarah
xx

Haunted by the Dreaded Maternity Nightshirt.....

When I started ebaying earlier on this year, I decided that the time was right to sell 2 items which were bought for me while I was pregnant.

Being superstitious and a pessimist, I asked people not to buy me anything until after 12 weeks, but a woman from Pat’s work felt she had to buy me a pregnancy week by week book. And my mum bought me a maternity nightshirt - she couldn’t help herself - she was SO excited.

Those 2 items have haunted me ever since and for the first year or so after losing the baby, I kept torturing myself by looking at them. Ever since, I have kept them because I thought that "soon" they would be needed again.

This year, I decided that I would hold on to them no longer which was a revelation about how I felt about my infertility and advertised them on ebay. The book sold straight away but the nightshirt didn’t.

Normally, if an item doesn’t sell, I forget it, because it costs money to advertise them, whether they are sold or not. But I felt that the night-shirt NEEDED to be gone! So I re-advertised it at 1p and I sold it to a lady in America. (charged her 5.99 postage when it only cost me £3, so made a small profit, there).

I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when I posted that parcel - it was symbolic to me - I was finally casting away the infertility baggage that I’d carried around for 4 years since losing my baby and it felt good. I was free ….. or so I thought ……………..

Last week, I went to the post office to collect my latest ebay purchase and guess what they also had for me? That friggin parcel that had been returned to sender and had taken over 2 months to come back to me!!!!! Nightmare!

And to make it worse, when I contacted the buyer, she said she’d moved, had forgotten that she’d bought the nightshirt and didn’t want it.

So I’m stuck with it - again!

So, do I
1) Re-advertise it on ebay
2) Burn it - as a symbol of the grief I have experienced
3) Throw it away

I will do whatever you think - leave your suggestions in the comments or alternatively - email me

OR - even better - if YOU want it (or you know someone who does) - you can have it FREE - I’ll even pay the postage - just let me know.

Here it is in all it's glory .....

Sarah
xx

Weightwatchers

Yes - I have started WW again. Here is the reason why -

This picture was taken about 2 weeks ago - how disgustingly fat am I looking???? I haven’t got two chins, I’ve got about three!!!

But so far, so good. I’ve lost 3lbs in my first week and am trying to eat healthily and feel so much better for it. - the virus and permanent exhaustion are now but a distant memory.

I was hoping to lose some weight whilst training for Race for Life, but due to the dodgy ankle, I’ve been doing LESS than normal ! :o( But today, I went cycling and the ankle is fine, so I’m pleased (my bum is sore, though! ) :o)))

My Mum is doing Race for Life with me because Sonia is going to run and I didn’t fancy walking round on my own like a dork, so now, I’ll have some company. I’m really looking forward to it.

And, all being well, I’ll be on my way to losing a stone by the time 2nd July comes round and I’ll look slightly less offensive in my shorts.. ;o))

Sarah
xx

Pat’s sister’s visit

God, it seems ages since I last updated. Quite simply, I have been too busy and too exhausted.

The reason that I was exhausted was because I had a virus which I just couldn’t get rid of. It wasn’t so bad that I was bedridden, but I just felt totally crap all the time. But,, luckily I managed to muster up enough energy to drive to Heathrow to collect Pat’s sister Alison (who is in a wheelchair - due to a car accident when she was 21) and I put on a brave face to her while she was here - even though I was shattered.

I collected her from Heathrow and drove her back to ours. Pat had to work, hence I said I would get her. ( I wouldn’t have done it for his Mum & dad because I couldn’t bear the hour and a half of strained conversation al the way home in the car!!)

Anyway, Pat’s sister, Alison, is the best of the bunch (apart from Pat, of course! LOL) and we had a lovely chat in the car, catching up on all the gossip from South Africa. She reported that their parents are getting more and more decrepit - that’ll make their visit here in August even more fun, then! ;o))

Because our house / bathroom isn’t accessible for a wheelchair user, she was staying in a hotel just up the road (a lovely olde worlde thatched place - GORGEOUS!) [Note to self - try get Pat to mention the hotel loads of times to his parents - they might choose to stay there, too! - wouldn’t that be a result??] and it worked out very well because we took her around and dropped her off and then met up later for dinner. We were still working in between the socialising (hence the tiredness) but being our own boss meant we could organise things to suit us.

She and I had an interesting conversation about Pat’s mum. I have always thought it was my fault that we couldn’t build a relationship. But Alison called her "a bitch" because she is awful to her own daughter (ie Alison) and Alison can’t get along with her at all - so how am I supposed to manage ???

I felt a lot better about things but also worse because I have to deal with her in only 2 months time!! Aaaarrrggghhh!!!

Here is a picture of Alison and Pat while we were out in a restaurant in Winchester.

Sarah
xx