Am feeling like a total failure today.

It’s been a funny old few days since my last entry. Have felt quite down, actually. Thursday morning I felt awful when I woke up because I’d just had a horrible vivid dream which really upset me. In the dream, we were doing our last cycle of FET and I’d done all the hormones and was ready for transfer but none of the frozen embryos had survived the thawing process. I was hysterical and in the dream all the feelings which I’d felt when the last cycle failed, welled up in me and when I woke up it was as if it had happened again.

Lots of feelings have been churning inside me since the dream and sorry for boring you but I need to get them all down and in some kind of order. Basically, I’m torn between trying lots & lots of times with IVF and giving up and adopting (definitely NOT the easy option!)

We aren’t as well off as we were since we bought the vet practice and one major factor is the cost of lots of IVF cycles. However, we are entitled to one free go on the NHS. I understand Hampshire Primary Care Trust is as tight with IVF funding as my last PCT but I suppose it’s worth a go. BUT the fear is that even if it’s a free go, when/if it fails, I’m terrified of sinking into terrible depression again like last time. It’s a horrible place to go and very scary.

The obvious thing to do is have the FET first but I would have to pay for that and an NHS course would be free. The other thing is that my frozen embryos are from eggs aged 34 (I had FET 2 weeks after my 35th birthday) whilst the eggs used in a fresh cycle will be my current age (nearly 37). I have read that the quality reduce a lot after age 35. (not sure whether it would have any real effect on the results though) so to me, it would be best to have a whole new cycle and then use up the frozen ones at the end.

A 62 year old woman has recently announced that she has conceived through IVF. Initially, I was annoyed because it had happened for her but not for me who is 25 years younger. But then I found out that she had had 10 cycles before she was successful. And that made me think that it’s just a matter of doing it enough times and 2 cycles hasn’t given it enough chance yet. BUT the big question is (apart from 10 cycles bankrupting us) would I end up in a loony bin if I had so many failed cycles???

SO - then I move on to adoption. I had always thought that having a child biologically not mine would make no difference, but now I’m thinking - maybe it would. That the thought of a child half mine and half Pat’s is so wonderful I can’t even dare think about it because it hurts too much and would any adopted child always be "second best" ??? On top of that,. I have been watching a programme about children who were adopted and were looking for their biological parents and I couldn’t bear the thought of my child thinking I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t related to them and then they went looking for their biological family. That would be just too much.

Oh, I’m so confused.

Despite the confusion, I have formulated a plan. I will go to the GP and suss out the free IVF go and if I can get one, I think I will be brave and go for it. If not, we will stick with plan A, do the FET in Sept/Oct and then decide what to do next. Once back on the IVF bandwagon, we might decided to do a couple more cycles privately before going down the adoption route (finances allowing).

Oh, what a nightmare.

But I’m going to forget this for the next week because Pat’s sister is coming over from South Africa on Tuesday, but once she’s gone, I will definitely make an appointment with the GP.

Sarah
xx

We live in the land of the fertile!

This area that we have moved to is a new development on the edge of a lovely Hampshire country town. The new development has a name which describes it very well, but for anonymity’s sake, I’ll call it "Paradise Park". Paradise Park has about 5,000 residents and has been properly planned out with large areas of parkland and woodland, interspersed with modern detached/semi detached housing. In between are walkways, cycleways and paths leading to the amenities - namely sports fields and shops, etc. The shops are in the middle of Paradise Park together with other local amenities eg newsagent/local shop, hairdressers, fish & chip shop, pub, doctors, primary school, pharmacy and Vet (us!).

It is perfect for families because of the amenities and every morning when we go into the surgery, a lot of families are walking their children to school, together with the family dog (normally our patients!) and it really and truly paints a happy picture.

But for an infertile couple like us, we’ve moved to the worst area that we could! Everyone has kids and we feel very left out indeed!

Pat seems to be taking it worse than me - over this last year, I think I’ve dealt with things well. I keep telling myself that we will soon be joining in with all the other parents - either with our own biological child or with our adopted children. All Pat sees are families - parading around with what we want so badly.

Let’s hope we can join the "club" SOON!

Sarah
xx

TAKE THAT !!!!!!!

Am on a total high because last night I went with Sonia, Helen & Melody to see Take That at Wembley. I used to "quite" like them 10 years or so ago and it was all a big joke at the time because they were a silly boy band, but when they reformed last year (without Robbie of course) for a tour, I was totally up for it.

And last night we went and it was TOTALLY BRILLIANT! It was all women "of a certain age" - no children/teenagers - all mad for the nostalgia and the atmosphere was electric! We were singing and dancing and clapping (and screaming!) and was totally enjoyable.

10 out of 10

But it was just for the night - I won’t be buying their cd’s or anything.

Here is a picture of (from left to right) Helen, Melody & Sonia who I went with.

Sarah
xx

More bad news!!

Disaster with the training!!!

On Thursday, during training, my right ankle started to give me problems. It's an old injury, done whilst climbing a mountain (large hill) in Fiji over 10 years ago - something I'd all but forgotten (the injury, not the trip to Fiji!!). Since Thursday, I've been resting the leg and on Saturday it felt OK so I went into town to do some shopping. I think what did it was crouching down in Boots to look at the makeup at the bottom of the display, and I felt it go again.

Today it feels OK (ish) I've got a bandage on it and managed a small bank holiday walk with Pat & the dogs It was the slowest walk we've ever done because Maureen is also lame.

But I suspect it's scuppered my chances of running the 5km. What a nightmare, hey? The dilemma I've got is that I can leave it a week or so and start training again and hope it doesn't go again - with the risk that I'll damage it good and proper and not even be able to walk it. Or I can play it safe and resign myself to not running it and just walk round. I hate giving up and being as proper failure, so I'll try and re-start the training and hope it holds up to the strain.


Maureen had her first hydrotherapy treatment on Friday, which was highly amusing! She had a little life jacket put on and (after some persuasion) swam very well. She didn't enjoy it though and I wonder what she'll make of going back on Wednesday..!

Not much else to report. It's very quiet here because Sonia is on holiday (in Egypt - haven't heard from her, but I presume she's OK). My brother and his fiancee are now back in Kuala Lumpar and are in the final throes of organising the wedding. He said that she liked England and wants to come back to live after they're married, so all seems OK.

Sarah
xx